Formerly the Joker's psychologist at Arkham Asylum, Dr. Harleen Quinzel fell in love with the Fiendish Clown prince of Crime, becoming his sidekick and Girlfriend, Harley Quinn! Armed with clown-themed weapons, two pet Hyenas, olympic-level acrobatic, gymnastic skills and martial arts knowledge, not to mention a stunning beauty, this crazed vixen was already a formidable cute criminal before she was physically enhanced. All her physical abilities were increased to peak human levels, including her strength, which not only outclasses any Olympic level athelete's, but gives her the ability to floor any non-superpowered man with two punches or one kick. She also became immune to most toxins and poisons, including the lethal touch of Poison Ivy, her long time friend and ally. Though the Joker has had a history of acting cruelly to Harley, she is playing with a fire that may, an day now, burn her to cinders.
Battle vs Goliath (Abrahamism) ( by GSFB)Edit
“I asked you to turn the time machine on, to send us back a day, and in Gotham!” The Joker said, glaring at Harley as he motioned around him,
“And just when, and where, pray tell, did you send us?”
All around the Joker gang was a treeless wilderness, a valley of low grass and rock. No smell of exhaust, no sounds of engines or planes, nothing around indicated the modern century. Harley winced, rubbing her hands together nervously as she looked around, unable to answer his question.
“Umm...” Harley said, anticipating a smack,
“I think, we’re-
“In the middle of Nowhere! 1000 BC, judging from this!”
Joker pushed the time device into Harley’s face, the numbers “1000 B.C.” in bright red. The location meter was in flux, letters appearing and reappearing in gibberish.
“Well, Mistah Jay, Batman was on our tail, and I didn’t have time to activate Clock King’s device...properly, you see?” Harley said, managing a wide, bright smile. Joker’s glare sharpened, his eyebrow raised to the straining point.
Joker slapped her on the head. Bruno and Philly, two of his over-sized, clown-faced henchmen, ignored the spat, trying to find any money, assault guns or ammo in the black getaway car, so far finding none.
“Its not enough that you lost our remaining tommyguns in the dash to the car, not enough that you nearly botched the bank robbery, as well as the theft of the time device! No, you had to put us in the place that time literally forgot!”
As Bruno continued to dig, finding some of the remaining loot, he heard a sharp yell in the distance, coming from the north side of the valley. Turning, he gasped.
“It could be, wor-
“Don’t say that Harley!” The Joker said, slapping her again. As she cringed and turned away, the Joker leaned down to her, growling like one of her hyenas. As her hyenas growled at him, he turned and snapped like a pitbull. The Hyenas backed away in a fright, whining and cowing.
“Don’t you know how bad luck works! You say that, and It’ll be worse for sure!”Joker said, wanting to slap her again.
“Boss?” Bruno said, standing up. After several seconds, he tapped Philly on the shoulder. Looking up, Philly’s face turned even whiter.
“What, Bruno! You found all the stash, a gun?” Joker said, starting to sweat in his zoot suit and wide brimmed hat. As Harley ran to her hyenas, calming them down, Bruno shook his head.
“No, I just wanted to let you know that it is, now, officially worse.”
Nodding to the north, Bruno took a deep breath. Turning, Joker’s eyes grew wide.
“Watcha all looking at?” Harley said, curiosity turning her head.
Passed the northern limits of the valley, on a high, craggy hill, stood a massive army, three thousand strong. The soldiers were dressed in bronze, their helmets decked with long, blue feathers. Several of them raised their spears, speaking in a language none of the Joker gang had ever heard before, let alone could understand.
“Who are they?” Joker said, putting his hands on his side.
“I don’t know, but their helmets are kinda cute.” Harley said with a giggle. Her hyenas followed suit.
“They look like Philistines.” Philly said, clearing his throat,
“The plumed helmets, the scale armor, the swords, everything indicates a tenth century Minoan/Levantine origin.”
Joker, Harley and Bruno turned to look at Philly, his vast size and neanderthaloid features at odds with his academic words. Joker raised his eyebrow, scrutinizing the brute.
“I...I was an archeology major in college for years, before I got into crime. It’s...true, I swear.” Philly said, scratching his balding head and looking to the left. Joker’s eyes narrowed.
“You watched history channel again, didn’t you?” Joker said. Looking around, Philly lowered his head, his guilt obvious.
“Harley? Mallet.” Joker said, putting his hand behind him. Hesitating, Harley gave him her mallet. Grabbing it with both hands, Joker raised it and slammed it onto Philly’s head, sending him down to the grass.
Suddenly, one of the Philistines yelled out.
“Pitiful Israelites! Stupid Israelites! Insulting us by sending clowns and professional fools to fight us? What, you going to send the sick and the lame as well?” The Philistine said, causing laughter to erupt among the others,
“You refuse to take us seriously? Well well, lets see how serious we can get, shall we? Goliath! Come, today your going to entertain us!”
The Joker gang shook as a powerful, bull-like voice shook the valley. As the Philistines parted, a mountainous warrior, 9 feet 9 inches tall, appeared, raising his spear and shield in defiance. The Philistines called out to him, praising him in the name of Dagon, their chief deity.
“Wow, he’s bigger than Croc, bigger than Bane, even!” Harley said, not paying attention to what the others behind her were doing.
“Well...maybe he’s not as massive as Bane when he’s fully juiced up on venom, but definitely taller I’d say, and cuter too.” Harley said, raising her eyebrows twice. Still, she didn’t look behind her.
“Hey, wait! Isn’t that that Goliath guy? You know, as in Davy and Goliath or something? What do you think, Mistah...Jay?”
Suddenly, the getaway car sped off, soon passing 88 mph. As Harley ran after it, it sped down behind an small incline, then around a hill, out of her sight range. Stopping, she stamped the ground with her right foot, clenched both her teeth and her fists as she yelled out, her words a mystery to the Philistines.
“You get back here with my babies Mistah Jay! Hey, you get back here period!” she said, jumping up and down and flinging her fists.
Another mighty yell shook her out of her pout, making her turn around. The giant, all covered in bronze, was heading towards her, taunting her with curses and words that shook her insides. As the man monster approached, his shadow fell over her like a tidal wave, covering both her and a vast swath of ground around her. Harley gulped.
“Wow, you really are a big boy!” Harley said, flashing him with her eyelashes. The Giant grunted, nodding as his eyes took in her petite figure, her curves. Turning back, he raised his spear.
“Out of all the Israelites, only a woman is brave enough to face me!” he said with a deep laugh. The other Philistines laughed with him, soon joking with each other about how soon this war with King Saul would be over, how they would soon go back to their families, their homes, their old lives. Shaking his head, Goliath turned back to her.
“Hey there, tall stuff! Harley Quinn, at your service!” She said, giving him a wink. Smiling, Goliath grabbed her, lifted her up, and turned to the Philistines.
“Hey! Put me down, you big oaf!” she said, giving him a piercing look. Ignoring it, Goliath laughed, holding his gut.
The Philistines cried out, raising their weapons in salute. Raising her eyebrow and folding her arms, Harley continued glaring at him.
“Let me down, Mistah Gee! I’m not in the mood for-
Grinning, Goliath turned her around, planting his huge lips on her face. After several seconds of powerful smooching, Harley turned her face away, gagging from the smell of fish, mutton and tartar.
“List-er-ine!” she said, feeling like she was coughing up a hairball,
“Haha! Not only have I defeated this wench, I will marry her. In the name of Dagon, I claim this victory!”
As he raised Harley again,the Philistines chanted. Enraged, Harley made fists.
“Let me down, now!” she said. Not knowing her language, Goliath danced around, Harley held nearly thirteen feet in the air. As she bounced, her white face began to turn red.
“Let me down!” Harley said. Laughing, Goliath flung her back and forth from hand to hand. As he praised the name of his family’s gods, Harley’s legs wrapped around his right wrist.
Harley twisted her body, causing his wrist to crack. Goliath froze, his eyes conveying pain.
With another twist of her body, Goliath’s wrist popped again, louder and longer than before. Goliath grunted, wincing from the cracking sensations in his wrist.
Twisting her body sharply, Harley sent Goliath to the earth, the giant grabbing his right wrist in pain. As he sat back up, Harley ran over and grabbed her mallet.
“Sorry, Mistah Gee, but your not my type! I like my men shorter, paler, and with an appreciation for toothpaste!”
Holding his wrist, Goliath turned, seeing his fellow Philistines. All were quiet, unmoving, shocked to see a woman down the largest man they had ever seen. Embarrassed and filled with rage, Goliath rose, grabbing his spear. Harley’s face went from wrathful to comically spooked as he regained his stance, his shield facing her, his spear over it.
“...Woopsie.” Harley said, he voice shaking. With a snarl, Goliath approached, huffing every two seconds. Suddenly, the Philistines cried out again, cheering their champion on as the duel commenced.
“Come at me, female! Let’s see what you’ve got!”
With a snarl, Goliath lunged with his spear.
“Yikes!” Harley said, jumping out of the way as the spearhead pierced the earth. Flipping midair, Harley landed on her feet, her hands tightening on her mallet.
“Joker, Batman, all you men are the same; I show you kindness, and all you want to do is squash me like a bug! Well now its Harley’s turn, see? And an over-sized roach is still a roach!”
Jumping and flipping in the air, Harley aimed, descended, then struck Goliath’s shield. Goliath staggered back, surprised at her power. As he struck out with his spear again, Harley jumped, flipped over him, then struck him on the head with her mallet. As she landed and laughed maniacally, Goliath fell on his face.
“Funny, Mistah Jay always said I was a headache.”
Goliath moaned, rubbing his head.
“I didn’t think he meant that literally! Hehe!”
Growling, Goliath turned to her, dropping his spear and pulling out his khopesh sword. As Harley leaped and readied her mallet, he slashed, cutting the mallet head off. As Harley fell and examined her new stick, the heavy end of the mallet hit the ground nearby, rolling several yards away. Looking at the rising Goliath, Harley dropped the stick and put her hands to her lips, giggling nervously.
“Aha. Probably shouldn’t have brought a hammer to a sword fight...” Harley said, looking to the side. Looking back, she saw Goliath raising his sword.
“Probably right!” she said, dodging the first slash.
“Stay still, foul Israelite! Taste my bronze!” Goliath said, slashing two more times. Dodging both attempts, Harley pulled out her cork pistol. As Goliath raised his sword again, she fired it, the cork bouncing off his over-sized jaw. Sneering and unaffected, Goliath struck two more times, once again missing the more nimble Harley. As he raised his sword again, Harley pulled out her other pistol, firing a spring-powered boxing glove into his face. One again feeling no pain, Goliath raised his foot. Gulping, Harley back flipped away, dodging Goliath’s incoming foot. As he stomped the earth, Harley continued back flipping, soon far out of reach of all but one of her foe’s weapons.
“Gosh, no wonder that David kid killed yah; your slower than a tortoise!”
Glaring at her, Goliath replaced his sword and pulled out his javelin, aiming it at her.
“Oh, big shot thinks he can play darts with me! Well just go ahead, Mistah, good luck!”
As Goliath raised his javelin, Harley pulled on her cheeks and stuck her tongue out. Good, stay still, Goliath thought.
“Come on, yah big dork! Come on, big butt!” Harley said, making more faces at him. As she filled her mouth full of air and looked at him cross-eyed, Goliath threw his javelin. Long before it could reach its target, Harley was already airborne, cartwheeling towards the giant.
“Ring around the Rosie! Pocket full of Posie! Ashes! Ashes! We all fall...”
As Harley sang, Goliath drew his sword again.
Harley landed a thudding kick to Goliath’s jaw, causing him to fall backwards and drop his sword. As she landed on her feet behind him, Goliath shook his head. How in the world can a woman this size be so strong? he thought. Was she like Samson? Had the Hebrew God given her great strength? Shaking his head again, he rose, eying her closely.
“Wow, your a tough guy! I’m strong enough to knock out any unpowered man from my time with a kick, yet your still moving! Let’s see how much you can take of this toots.” Harley said, pointing her thumb at herself. Shaking his head again, Goliath raised his arms.
“Foul woman! Now Goliath of Gath, greatest warrior of the Philistines, will put you in your place!”
“Um...whatevah you said. Whee!”
Jumping and waving her hands, Harley placed both her feet onto Goliath’s chest, sending him back down again. As he rose, she grabbed his arm and slammed him to the ground. Before he could catch her, Harley backflipped away, landing with a smile and a hand on her hip.
“Wow, this must be so embarrassing for you!” I mean, look at your buddies over there!”
Suddenly, Goliath heard laughter. Turning, he saw his own troops, even his own commander, laughing and pointing at him. He could hear taunts on the wind, taunts directed at him. Shaking and growing red faced, Goliath struck his chest and charged, reaching out with his over-sized hands.
“Oh, this is getting boring!” Harley said.
As Goliath came within grabbing distance, Harley landed numerous punches and kicks, poked his eye with her thumb, then ran around and shoved him from behind, sending him back to the earth. The laughter of the Philistines was louder than ever, accompanied by whistles and head shakes.
“Come on, Mistah Gee, your out of your league!” Harley said, tilting her head. Fuming, Goliath spat out a stream of blood.
“I thought Killer Croc was slow. Heck, I thought my grandpa was sluggish! I guess your nickname can be anti-flash! Hehe!” Harley said, bending over and giving taunts of her own,
“Big Gol-I-ath, Anti-flash! For all his wrath, he can’t dash! Hehe-aaaiiii!”
Suddenly Goliath’s hand reached out with surprising speed, grabbing her by the neck. With animal force he sent her to the earth, knocking the wind out of her. As she shook her head, he got on top of her, planting his hands on her arms. Though powerful, she struggled in vain as Goliath looked onto her, his eyes wide, shaking.
“What will you do now, Israelite wench! No way you can get out of my grasp!”
Harley struggled more, then banged her head against the grass. Realizing it was hopeless, she looked out to the south, her eyes longing, tearing up.
“If only Mistah Jay was here. If only my...babies?”
In the distance, Harley could make out two furry forms running towards her. They musta jumpedout of Mistah Jay’s car, she thought with a proud, joyful grin. In her crazed mind everything turned black and white, the score from “Lassy” filling the air. Her eyes bright again, Harley called out.
“Babies! Oh Babies!” Harley said. Curious, Goliath turned, seeing the largest Hyenas he’d ever seen heading towards them. Looking at Harley and then at the Hyenas, he grew dumbfounded, realizing with a start that they were her Hyenas, that she had domesticated them.
“I’ve never heard of such.” Goliath said, his mouth slack as the Hyenas approached, their laughter matching Harley’s.
“Babies! Help Mommy!” she said. Laughing again, the Hyenas picked up speed.
Slowly, Goliath’s gawk was replaced with a sick, hungry grin.
“Hyenas. I love hyenas.” he said. Standing, Goliath flung Harley twenty feet away. As she landed with a thud and the Hyenas drew near, Goliath turned, opening his hands and spreading his arms.
“Yeah, I love Hyenas a lot!” Goliath said, raising his hands.
The first Hyena lunged. As Harley watched, Goliath grabbed it, then bit down on its neck, causing it to yelp and cry out. Seeing its mate in trouble, the other Hyena leaped. As Goliath turned and enjoyed the taste of blood, he backhanded the incoming hyena, knocking its head off. Before its head hit the grass, the other’s was bitten off.
“Hyenas taste sooo good!” Goliath said, flinging the Hyena corpse to the ground. Turning, he raised his hands to his fellow Philistines, creating another cheer.
“...Babies...” Harley said, looking at the headless, lifeless hyenas strewn across the Judean Grass. In seconds her body shook, tears of both sadness and rage leaving her eyes. As she looked around in shock, she spotted Goliath’s sword lying on the ground. Turning to Goliath, her face went sour, malice emanating from it like light from a full moon. Looking at the sword again, Harley growled. As Goliath called out for more cheers, she picked up his sword with both hands, then approached.
“Israel’s clown queen is defeated! Her beasts are scattered to the winds!” Goliath said, moving his hands around in circles. As he smiled, the Philistines suddenly grew silent. Curious, Goliath turned. Looking up, Harley was already airborne, his sword swirling.
“Say Cheese!” Harley said, her face maniacal, almost demonic.
The Philistines watched, silent and still. A hawk flew above the battlefield.
As Saliva left Harley’s lips, Goliath’s shield rammed into her, sending her soaring thirty feet away. He followed her, his feet cracking the dry earth below. The Philistines shook as her body hit the earth, kicking up a cloud of dirt and scaring away several Jackals. As the dust cleared, Harley laid silent, moaning and all but unconscious. Smirking, Goliath raised his sword and shield.
“To Dagon, I give the glory for this mighty victory over the Hebrew people, over Yahweh’s champion!”
Shouting in song, the Philistines struck their shields with their swords, praising their merman deity. Laughing with pride, Goliath picked Harley up by her belt and flung her over his back, waiving his sword to his fellow Philistines.
“To the victor, goes the spoils!”
“Goliath! Goliath! Goliath!” The philistines called, their champion walking towards them. Harley remained dazed, her eyes defeated, lost.
In the distance, behind a jagged rock, a young shepherd boy was watching, his sheep nearby. Enraged, he picked up something lying next to his lyre.
“Goliath, the giant of Gath, taking one of our Israelite women to be his own!”
As his sheep bleated, he stood, lifting the object higher.
“This looks like a job for...” The shepherd said, putting the object, a black leather helmet with two points on top, over his head. His eyes narrowed upon Goliath.
“David, future King of Israel!”
Behind him, a bat flew upwards, momentarily blotting the sun.
Though Harley's speed was far superior, Goliath's better weapons and X-factor superiority won out.