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Ambrosius if you do not turn around this instant I shall never feed you again!
— Sir Didymus to his old English sheep dog steed, Ambrosius

Sir Didymus is a sentient Fox and knight who guards a Millenium-old bridge that leads the way over the bog of eternal stench. A righteous hero among a labyrinth of dark creatures, he was one of the friends of the fair Lady Sara, whose brother Toby was kidnapped by the Sorcerer Jareth, the King of the Labyrinth. Eventually Sir Didymus leaves his bridge in order to serve Sara and her friends as they venture out on a crusade to save her brother from becoming a Goblin.

Though a Knight, Sir Didymus wears armor and clothing more suited to the Renaissaunce period than the Dark Ages. His main weapon is his censor or mace, which he uses to devistating effect on his enemies (even in jousts against Knight Goblins, his mace overcame their Lances). His steed, an Old English Sheepdog named Ambrosius, is a loving yet cowardly mount that serves as the Knight's main weakness. Sir Didymus wears an eye-patch, which suggests the covered eye is blinded or missing, possibly during a knightly battle. Also, unlike normal human knights, Sir Didymus is just as formidable on foot as he is on dog-back, having fought the giant Beast known as Ludo to a standstill.

Battle vs. Black Knight (Monty Python) (by GSFB)Edit

In a deep English Forest, The Black Knight awakes to a terrible stench. Shaking his head and nearly gagging, he puts his armor, helmet and weapons on and goes out of his tent to see where the stench is coming from. Unknown to him, the Powerful Wizard Jareth, in revenge for aiding Sara's victory over him, has sent Sir Didymus and the Bog of eternal stench to the future, the english countryside to be precise. As the Black Knight looks out along the bog, he hears someone yell "Tally-Ho!"

Turning, he sees a Fox in renaissance getup and an eye patch. The Fox darts in front of him, holding a metal mace.

"Halt! Who goes there!" The Fox says.

The Black Knight, trying to remember if this was in the script, perhaps in a part he failed to read due to a Irish Beer Binge the other night during rehersal, clears his throat.

"None shall pass!" The Black Knight says

"None shall pass?" Sir Didymus says, noting tha his own bridge now faces another bridge, where the Black Knight guarded.

"I don't know where you came from, but this here is my bridge, and none may pass without my permission!"

"None shall pass!" The Black Knight said.

"Well, if you think you can muscle your way onto my bridge guarding duties, I am sworn to do my duty!" Sir Didymus said. Before he could raise his mace the Knight raised his hand.

"Over there." He said, trying not to breathe. Sir Didymus looked where the Black Knight was pointing too.

"Why fight over there, pray tell?" Sir Didymus said.

"Can't you bloody smell that?" The Black Knight said.

"I smell nothing." Sr Didymus said.

The Black Knight, shaking his head, goes to the meadow to prepare to fight. Sir Didymus manages to get Ambrosius from his hiding place and mounts him, preparing a charge.

On one side of the Meadow, the Black Knight raises his Longsword. On the Other, Sir Didymus growls and sets Ambosius off. But the hound runs away.

"Ambrosius, where are you going? The Battle's Behind us!"

The Black Knight watches as the pair ride off. Before he can sheath his sword he hears the following:

"I swear if you d not turn around I shall never feed you again!"

The Knight hears a skid, and then sees the Fox-Knight charge. He raises his Lonsword and charges at them. When they collide Sir Didymus blocks the Longsword strike with his mace, spins around, and jumps towards the knight's shins, baging with his mace. Ambrosius catches the sword in the rear but is only barely cut.

"Stop that you little carpet!" he Black Knight says. Suddenly the fox dissappears. As the Knight looks around, he hears "I can conquer this Mountain!". Then Sir Didymus attacks his helmet, banging away with his mace. The Knight, though not hurt, is temporarily dizzied by the attack, the noise within his helmet shocking him. Recovering, he grabs the fox and holds it in front of him, only to have the Fox poke both his eyes out with the small end of his mace. The Knight drops Sir Didymus, blind, blood flowing down his helmet.

"Now that that is dealt with, I must find my loyal steed. Wait-Wow!"

Sir Didymus barely manages to evade a longsword strike.

"What are you doing?" Sir Didymus says.

"I'm slaying you!" The Black Knight says.

"But you can't, you're blind! I poked your eyes out!"

"No you didn't!"

A sword strike misses by a large margin.

"You're bleeding out of your helmet!"

"Tis only a flesh wound."

The Knight swings wildly. Sir Didymus sneaks up and pulls out the Knight's anelace dagger. While the Knight swings away, he suddenly finds his left arm severed, on the ground. As he tries to find his left arm, his right arm drops. He cant see where his enemy is, and then his right leg falls. He hops.

"Come on out and face me you little red rat!" Black Knight says. Then his left leg falls over, and his torso drops.

"Now see there, noble Knight? I have beaten you in strength of arms!"

Sir Didymus says, holding up his mace.

"Now, you can either go back that way, um, somehow, or you can seek my permission to cross my-

The Black Knight raisd his head and in one quick motion, headbutted the fox with his iron helm. Sir Didymus lies on the ground, knocked out cold. Before the Knight can bang his helmet on him again, Ambrosius runs over, bites Sir Didymus' sleeve, and runs ff with him, saving his life.

"Come back here you little maggot! I'll nibble your innards! I'll make you my kibble!" The Black Knight says, limbless yet victorious.

Winner: Black Knight

Meanwhile, behind a bush, two commentators speak.

"Hello I'm Conan O'Brien and this is my co-host Justin beiber for the Mel Brooks Knightly games, sponsored by the sorcerer Jareth. We've just seen the Black Knight defeat yet not kill Sir Didymus, the reigning champion! Justin what do you think?"

"I WANNA SAY THA-"

"Hey! No singing! We talked about that, remember? Now as I was saying...look, what a surprise, here is Great King Arthur, coming towards us! Perhaps he has some commentary of his own...wait, why is his sword drawn? Oh No-

Suddenly, the heads of Conan O'Brien and Justin Bieber fall to the grass, and King Arthur rides off on, this time, a flesh and blood horse.

Expert's OpinionsEdit

TBW

To see the original battle, weapons and vtoes, click here.

Battle vs. Gollum (by GSFB)Edit

“Filthy Thieves, takes me precious! We’ll deal with filthy little hobbitses! Yes we will, my love.”

Gollum crawled over a small, looking out over the expanse of Rohan. For many a day he had been stalking two hobbits from the shire, little folk that carried with him his curse, his treasure, the ring of power. He could feel its presence, hear its dark voice chanting to him. It was near, he knew it, and he knew that he must get it, before Sauron claimed it for his own once again.

Turning right, Gollum spied an old, rickety bridge over a steaming river. Crawling fast, he discovered that the tracks of the hobbits turned sharply at the bridge, heading towards a series of hills to the north. A long way around, he thought. Why hadn’t they crossed the bridge? They lost so many hours taking the long route to Mordor. What kept them away?  

“Hobbitses didn’t come here. But if...I walk the bridge...I could catch up to them quick, kill them both! Yes, Gollum, Gollum!”

Though he was hesitant, Gollum crawled towards the bridge, the ring making him risk all.

“I will snap them in half, throttle them both-

He heard a sniffling. He stopped, looking left and right. He could have swore he heard a dog somewhere.

“Feral dog. Must be, we thinks, precious...”

Gollum resumed walking, drawing close to the bridge.

“Will get them, and get back our birthday present...Peagol’s gift...long ago-

“Steady thou!”

Gollum screeched. Turning with a snarl, he saw a odd, fox-like being with peculiar clothing and a fluffy tail stand within a small opening in a tree stump. After two leaps, it stood before him, brandishing a shiny, small mace.

“Halt, who goes there?” the strange creature said.

“Gollum! Gollum!”

“My dear sir Gollum, then. Why do you disturbeth now my bridge?”

Gollum studied the creature. It was obvious fox-like, but it talked in a way that few beasts ever did. It was intelligent, curious, even cultured. Gollum thought of all the races of middle earth and could not come up with any that matched the description of the being that stood before him, a being that seemed in spirit his total opposite. Gollum looked up at him.

“I needs to cross the bridge. I must stop the thieves! Gollum! Gollum!”

“I’m sorry, sir Gollum. This is my bridge, and I have sworn to protect it, to the death.”

“Strange creature. Perhaps...perhaps we teach its a lesson! Perhaps...we eats it whole! Gollum! Gollum!”

“What speaketh thou? Have you starved out in this wilderness, to the point of madness?”

Gollum’s darker ego took full control. He watched the beast with piercing blue eyes, his mouth opening.

“Whats is its name, precious?”

“Why I am Sir Didymus, and none may pass this bridge, without my permiss-

Gollum grabbed Sir Didymus and made to bite him. However, Sir Didymus bit first, piercing his cheeks and cracking his cheek bones. As Gollum screamed and struggled to throw Sir Didymus off, his right eye was pierced by a fang. In a blind rage Gollum finally managed to throw the strange beast off him, incurring deeper cuts to his face. As Sir Didymus rolled down a hill, Gollum screamed and grabbed a stone, blood pouring down his twisted face.

“Smeagol! Smeagol, I kills it, Smeagol, like I killed your friend so long ago, for precious! I catch it, I kills it, Sir Didymus!”

Gollum looked around and listened sharply, his eyesight compromised by blood and eye damage. He turned three times before he heard a disturbance to the west, something that sounded like a whine followed by angry words. Sneering, Gollum ran towards the sound.

“We finds you, Sir Didymus! We finds you, you cannot hide. I hear-

Gollum freezes. Turning slowly, he sees Sir Didymus fifteen feet away, mounted on a large sheepdog. The knight’s sneer matches his own.

“Charge Ambrosius!” Sir Didymus said. Rearing, Ambrosius runs towards Gollum, spittle flying out of his mouth.

Gollum studied his nearing opponents. Though they looked formidable together, bringing to battle two dangerous mouths, the dog had fear in its eyes. Indeed...it didn’t seem as disciplined as a war horse. And while Sir Didymus had tough leather armor and a mace that could block an incoming stone, the dog was vulnerable.  

“...When moon is dead!” Gollum said, throwing the stone.

It hit Ambrosius on the top of his nose. Instantly the dog fell on its side, knocking Sir Didymus off. Rearing in panic, the dog ran into a clump of nearby bushes, nursing its nose and increased fear. Sir Didymus was up in a flash, seeing Gollum running straight towards him. Looking to his left, he saw his mace ten feet away. Not enough time to get to it, he thought. Sniffing, he reared up and readied his fists.

“We’s catches you-

As Gollum’s hands grabbed his sides, Sir Didymus punched Gollum five times in two seconds, breaking Gollum’s nose. Bleeding profusely, Gollum grabbed his nose and staggered back, surprised that the small thing could hit so hard. His face turning red, Gollum growled and the hissed, bearing his broken, yellow teeth. He ran after him, but Didymus reached his mace and turned to face his attacker.

What followed next was a tornado of flesh, steel, teeth and hair. Though Gollum was faster than Sir Didymus anticipated, indeed faster than any opponent he had ever faced, the knight was still able to avoid most of his blows and strike back numerous times, breaking several bones and biting off a finger. Once Sir Didymus struck Gollum’s head, cracking a part of his skull. Hissing in pain, Gollum punched Sir Didymus in the gut, sending him flying four feet. As Sir Didymus tried to regain his breath, Gollum fell on his side, nursing his head. Breathing better despite hurt ribs, Sir Didymus stood, raising his mace in one hand and putting his other hand out.

“Stop! Stop I say!” Sir Didymus said. Gollum moaned, turning on the ground.

“I have faced many a brave opponent, but rarely have I met my equal in battle. Indeed...I only met an equal once. And like him, you have fought me to a standstill. Now, let us throw aside rancor and be united as brothers in arms, to fight for the right and-

Gollum rushed him, grabbing him by the neck and pulling him to his mouth. In a flash Gollum’s jaws were struck by the mace, numerous teeth broken or knocked from his mouth. At the same time, his left hand, which was closing in on Sir Didymus’ furry throat, was bitten, drawing a considerable amount of blood. Gollum fell down again, almost delirious with pain. Sir Didymus hopped away, and disappeared, leaving behind tiny footprints and some hair. Gollum was in such excruciating pain that he didn’t notice the sound of Sir Didymus’ footsteps over the dead leaves. Shaking his head and forcing himself up, he dashed between two stones and behind a small cliff.

Gollum knew he had to take this creature from behind; he was way too formidable to take face to face. He had to treat this being as if he were an orc, stoning him by surprise and finishing him off with a good throttle. He had done so many times to orcs, which were larger, stronger, and better armed than himself. He had survived on their meat for centuries. Even without the ring he could still pull such maneuvers off with ease, a fact which somehow frightened him.

That’s all it is, my precious, Gollum thought, pretend he’s an orc...a nice, juicy, and...surprisingly tasty, orc...

“We wont run anymore...until we have a breather!” the Uruk-hai said, panting as he lied down on the earth with his brethren.

“Get a fire going!” Ugluk, the chief Fighting Uruk-hai, said, waving his men on. Several Uruks took their axes and began cutting down trees of nearby Fangorn, considered by many the most dangerous and dreadful forest in Middle Earth. Many of the Orcs around rested at first, but soon their rest was compromised by hunger, which seemed to be cured only by military rations. Soon the Orcs were snarling.

“Bread...I’ve had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days!” Another  Fighting Uruk-hai said, throwing his dark bread away.

“Yeah...when can we have some meat?” Another orc, a smaller snaga from Mordor said. As he considered the hobbit prisoners as an alternative treat, his eyes spotted two other small things about a hundred yards away, fighting like rebel Maiar. The orc’s eyes glittered.

“What about them? They’re fresh!” he said.

“They are not for ea...oh you mean those things over there.” Ugluk said. Both the orcs and the hobbits turned to the battle below, seeing the creatures swirl and brawl. Grishnakh, a mordor Uruk, walked forwards.

“They look tasty!” he said, drooling.

“At ease, Mordor scum!” Ugluk said, putting his sword before Grishnakh,

“We dont want to rush’em; they might prove the faster, and scatter away. We move in slowly, and converge on them. Now, you twenty, stay with these hobbits; the rest of you, follow me!”

Ten orcs, most of them Fighting Uruk-hais, followed. Grishnakh and the snaga that spotted the two creatures were among them.

Meanwhile, the two hobbits, Merry and Pippin, thanked the Valar that something else got the interest of the orc’s stomachs.

It took Gollum a minute to find it. The beast was stalking, mace upraised. It was sniffing the air, its ears drawn back. I seems to have lost its hat during its retreat, having a red silk bandanna on its head instead. The creature looked jittery, turning its head at lightning speed.

Gollum raised his hand. Downwind, good, he thought, but make no noise.

As Sir Didymus kept searching, Gollum moved over a nearby hill, licking his lips. He squinting, not wanting the beast to see the moonlight reflected in his bulbous eyes. Once he stepped on a stone that penetrated deep into the ball of his foot, but Gollum kept quiet, nearly biting his lip. He kept moving, rising over another hill, which ended in a short but steep cliff. He was looking right down on Sir Didymus now. He tensed up, getting into pouncing position.

We eats it raw...we eats it whole, Gollum thought.

Ambrosius came into view. Turning and looking up, he spotted Gollum. Before Gollum could jump, Ambrosius barked and then cowered. Startling, Gollum’s foot slipped, knocking several rocks over the cliff. Sir Didymus turned his head.

Now! Now my love, Gollum said.

Before Sir Didymus saw the cliff, Gollum leaped. As he came down, hands and teeth bared, Sir Didymus swung his mace backwards, hoping to catch the falling combatant. The mace missed, and Gollum fell onto Sir Didymus, both rolling down a bare incline. For nearly a minute they rolled, striking and biting each other. Gollum eventually knocked the mace from Sir Didymus’ hand and grabbed his arms.

“You wont escape, not from me, not like Bilbo Ba-

Sir Didymus kicked Gollum in the gut, flipping him over. Gollum’s head came down on a rock, causing him to let go of Sir Didymus. As the knight rolled onto his gut the cursed hobbit fell over the cliff, screeching like a Nazgul as he fell towards a boulder 600 feet down. Sir Didymus looked over the cliff, watching his brave opponent hit the ground. The fox knight shook his head and sniffed.

“Prescious...precious, I failed...you...!” Gollum said, before he died.

“Poor, poor fellow.” Sir Didymus said, nursing several fresh cuts and a bruised shoulder, “He would have made a worthy brother in arms.”

As he stood and knocked the dust off of him, Ambrosius ran up to him, licking his face. Sir Didymus petted him.

“Ambrosius, my loyal steed.”

As Sir Didymus grabbed his mace and popped his back, Ambrosius started shaking and whining.

“Oh, Ambrosius. The villain is dead! I’ve vanquished him! He’s not going to come back and-

Something tapped his shoulder. He froze, then turned, seeing the largest, ugliest goblins he had ever seen.

Or were they? Two quick sniffs told him these were anything but goblins, not like any he knew in the Labyrinth. They were fouler, somehow, in scent as well as appearance. Their mannerisms, their speech, the aura they gave off, all indicated a dark nature, twisted spirits. No wonder Jareth exiled me here, he thought. At first startled, he turned, pushing Ambrosius behind him.

“It looks like meat is back on the menu, boys!” Ugluk said, holding his scimitar in both hands. The other orcs raised their swords and bellowed. Sir Didymus growled, then raised his mace.

“Alright, surrender now, and I’ll see that your well treated.” Sir Didymus said. The orcs looked at each other, startled and motioning towards the creature. Soon, some started laughing, and eventually the whole horde was giggling. Sir Didymus stood there, waiting for them to drop their weapons.

Ugluk pointed his scimitar at him.

“Kill hi-

Suddenly, a Rohirrim battle horn was sounded. The hoof beats of horses were heard afterwards, along with the sounds of dying orcs and flying arrows...

Winner: Sir Didymus

Expert's Opinion Edit

Sir Didymus won because of of his use of actual armour and weaponry and because he was much less insane and rash than Gollum.

To see the original battle, weapons and votes, click here.

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