Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?
— Tallahassee
Tallahassee is the nickname attributed to Woody Harrelson's character in the 2009 horror-comedy Zombieland. All of the characters featured in the film use nicknames in place of their real names to discourage emotional attachment should one of them fall prey to the zombie infestation that has gripped the entire country. Harrelson's character is named Tallahassee because he is driving towards Tallahassee, Florida when he meets his traveling companion "Columbus".

Tallahassee's real name is unknown. He lived somewhere in the Southwestern United States (likely Texas) with his young son, Buck. Tallahassee lost his son at a young age in the wake of a post-apocalyptic contagion that transformed the country into a veritable "Zombieland". With nothing else to live for, Tallahassee turned his attention towards the two things he desired most out of life -- killing zombies and eating Twinkies. Arming himself with as many weapons he could get his hands on, he began driving towards his intended destination -- Tallahassee, Florida. Along the way, he came upon a scared, young man who was fortunate enough to have survived the zombie infestation. Learning that this man was trying to make it back to his family in Columbus, Ohio, Tallahassee nicknamed him "Columbus", and reluctantly accepted him as his new traveling companion.

Battle vs. Ellis (by KevlarNinja)Edit

Tallahassee: 1234

Ellis: 1234

In an abandoned department store, Tallahassee, Columbus, Wichita, and Little Rock wander in. Columbus asks "What are we doing here?" "What else?" answers Little Rock, "He's looking for Twinkies." Tallahassee says "They must have left something in the employee lounge." They go in and lock the door, in case of zombies. After some searching, Tallahassee finds a box of Twinkies and starts eating. Meanwhile, Ellis, Coach, Rochelle, and Nick also find themselves takeing shelter in the store. They see the closed door and the sounds from behind it. Ellis is about to knock, but Coach stops him. "Careful," he says "there could be zombies in there." "Good point." says Ellis. He knocks on the door from off on the side. Inside, this knocking sounds like zombies. As Tallahassee finishes the last Twinkie in the box, he says "Well, it's nice to know that zombies are starting to have better timeing." Witchita blasts a huge hole in the door with her Taurus Model 62C Takedown Rifle. They hear Ellis and the rest running away. "This is going to be fun!" says Tallahassee, his inner redneck surfacing. They all split up. Witchita is chaseing Rochelle. Rochelle fires a Hunting Rifle round into her leg, but Witchita shoots Rochelle in the chest.

Ellis: 123

Nick sneaks up on Witchita and puts bullets in her from head to toe with a Silenced SMG.

Tallahassee: 123

Tallahassee and Columbus are chaseing after Coach. Coach fires randomly behind with his Magnum, but misses. Columbus fires at him with his H&K MP7A1. One bullet shoots the handgun out of Coach's hand. Tallahassee then shoots him with his SIG-Sauer P226.

Ellis: 12

Tallahassee says "He really let himself go." Columbus adds "Yeah, and he's fat too." Columbus walks over past the makeup counter, but Nick cuts him down with his SMG.

Tallahassee: 12

Tallahassee hides in the shadows and pulls out his Banjo. Nick walks over, looking for more enemies. Tallahassee slams Nick in the head, whacking his brain, breaking his neck and jaw, and knocking out some of his teeth.

Ellis: 1

Meanwhile, across the store, Little Rock scaning for anyone else, MP7A1 in hand. Ellis shoots her in the head with his own Magnum.

Tallahassee: 1

Ellis says to himself "I knew all that time playing paintball with Keith would come in handy." Suddenly, he hears the song "Dueling Banjos" on, well, the banjo comeing from the sports department. He runs over. We see that it's Tallahassee playing the banjo. He sees Ellis run over and slams him in the face with the banjo. Ellis falls to the ground and his pistol slides over out of reach, so he picks up a golf club. He gets back up and wacks Tallahassee in the leg. He groans in pain and swings the banjo at Ellis, but he jumps back and misses the swing. He hits Tallahassee in the crotch, who falls over in pain. Ellis slams the club on Tallahassee's back, shouting "BONK!", qouting from his favorite video game as Tallahassee's back breaks with an audible snap.


Ellis raises his club in the air and shouts "YEE-HAW!"

Winner: Ellis

Expert's OpinionEdit

While Tallahassee had the advantage at mid and close range with his MP7's stronger round and P226's larger magazine, Ellis has more combat experience, a better long range weapon, and better melee weapon. While Tallahassee has survived for a longer time, Ellis fought his way from Georgia to New Orleans with violent victims of the Green Flu charging at him left, right, and center. Adding in all these factors made Ellis, the deadliest warrior.

To see the original battle, votes, and weapons, click here.

Battle vs. Jason Voorhees (by ThatRandomGuyFTW)Edit

The battle starts out with Tallahassee walking down a road. He then notices a sign for Camp Crystal Lake,he then asks himself "I wonder if there is any Twinkees there?". He decides to go in,and while walking down to the kitchen the camera pans towards Jason who is watching him from the woods. As soon as Tallahassee is about to enter the kitchen an arrow hits the side of the building. Tallahassee startled turns around and sees Jason in the woods. He then draws his Mossberg Mariner from his back and proceeds towards Jason saying "I zombie shooting a bow now i've seen everything,gonna be a shame to kill a "smart" zombie." Jason doesn't know what he is saying and fires another arrow which misses Tallahassee. Tallahassee angered about this fires 2 shots into Jason dealing no damage. Surprised Tallahassee asks "What kinda zombie are you?". Tallahassee looks up and sees Jason charging with his meat cleaver, in return Tallahassee pulls out his bat and whacks jason square in the face. Jason still not being phased by the damage tries to slice Tallahassee with his cleaver but he keeps missing. Tallahassee pulls out his Bowie knife and he stabs and slashes at Jason. Jason pulls out his machete and he tries to stab and slash Tallahassee. Jason gets the upper hand and knocks Tallahassee to the floor disarming him of his weapon. Tallahassee then disarms Jason of his machete with his feet. Surprised Jason pulls out his speargun and shoots almost hitting Tallahassee in the crotch. Tallahassee gets up and runs into the kitchen Jason picks up his machete and follows. We then see Tallahassee waiting behind a corner with his Mare's Leg and as soon as Jason enters Tallahassee fires a shot into Jason's head bringing the monster down. Tallahassee not satisfied walks over to Jason and puts two more shots into his head killing him. Tallahassee then looks up and sees a box of Twinkees. Tallahassee then remarks "Well i'll be a monkey's uncle."

Expert's OpinionEdit

The experts believed that Tallahassee's wits and intelligence prevailed in the long run against Jason sheer strength. While Jason was very powerful and could not be killed by simple means he was not as smart as Tallahassee.

To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.

Battle vs. Abigail "Misty" Briarton (by WanderingSkull)Edit


Expert's OpinionEdit