In the whole animal kingdom, from the shy herbivores to the aggressive carnivores, we humans currently reign supreme. While we may not have scary fangs, poison, wings or claws, we do make up for our sheer intellect and cunning. We are the most dominant, and certainly the deadliest, non-microbe species to date, and even mother nature herself couldn't handle our awesomeness and got "hot".
But remove our brains and all our accomplishments and what do we got? A skinny body, two pairs of fists, some fingers, grinding teeth, five senses worth shit, and only two legs! In terms of design, our weak fragile bodies are laughable compared to what other badass animals have with them, molded through evolution and survival. Even the most brutally badass, testosterone-sweating, awesome-loving human warriors in motherfucking history, are worthless pieces of shit when up against a tiger, a lion, a bear, or any other predators naked. Take away our huge brains and were nothing but tasty, high grade furless walking meatsacks for our natural predators to enjoy. And don't even bother running, your two legs ain't gonna help you one bit.
So in this battle, we're going to take a look at how deadly a mix of human intellect and animal ferocity can be. How great leaders of the past harness the power of the animal kingdom to wreck havoc and annihalate their foes. And if you think getting shot, stabbed or slashed by a human is horrible enough, then you have no idea what predators, with bodies designed to be actual weapons, can do to your feeble human body. Today, we'll be pitting two of the most famous beast master warriors to ever lead in a battlefield.
Ramses II: The power-hungry Egyptian king who took on the most powerful empires of his times to build his own
vs
Marcus Aurelius: The brutal yet wise Roman Emperor who jump started one of the largest empires in history
Who is Deadliest?!
Ramses II[]
Ramesses II, referred to as Ramesses the Great, was the third Egyptian pharaoh (reigned 1279 BC – 1213 BC) of the Nineteenth dynasty. He is often regarded as the greatest, most celebrated, and most powerful pharaoh of the Egyptian Empire. His successors and later Egyptians called him the "Great Ancestor." Ramesses II led several military expeditions into the Levant, re-asserting Egyptian control over Canaan. He also led expeditions to the south, into Nubia, commemorated in inscriptions at Beit el-Wali and Gerf Hussein. He is forever immortalized for his (debatable) victory at the Battle of Kadesh, leading the battle with his pet lion.
The early part of his reign was focused on building cities, temples and monuments. He established the city of Pi-Ramesses in the Nile Delta as his new capital and main base for his campaigns in Syria. This city was built on the remains of the city of Avaris, the capital of the Hyksos when they took over, and was the location of the main Temple of Set. He is also known as Ozymandias in the Greek sources, from a transliteration into Greek of a part of Ramesses's throne name, Usermaatre Setepenre, "Ra's mighty truth, chosen of Ra".
Weapons[]
Khopesh
Khopesh is the Egyptian version of the Canaanite "sickle-sword". A typical khopesh is 50–60 cm (20–24 inches) in length, though smaller examples do also exist. This blade was designed for hooking an opponent's shield or disarming them. These weapons changed from bronze to iron in the late period.The blade is only sharpened on the outside portion of the curved end. The khopesh evolved from the epsilon or similar crescent shaped axes that were used in warfare. Note, however, that the khopesh is not an axe. Unlike an axe, the khopesh did not make push-cuts, but rather slashes, like a sabre.
- Sickle-shaped blade
- 50-60 cm
- Bronze
Egyptian Bow
While the Hyksos compsite bow is the image we associate with Egyptian bows in "general", bows during Ramses II time where actually single-arched longbows. In his most famous heiroglyphical drawing, Ramses is seen riding a chariot with a longbow in hand. While it doesn't have the power of a composite double-arched bow, it does make up for being easier to fire both on foot and on chariots, giving it tremendous rate of fire. While Egyptians used metal as arrowheads, traditional ivory-tipped arrows were also used that are just as strong.
- Range varies. Used in conjunction with chariot.
- Metal-tipped or ivory-tipped.
War Chariot
The Egyptian war chariot was a state of the art technology of its time. What made it revolutionary to other chariots was that it was light-framed and had spoke wheels. While it carries fewer people, it was faster, more maneuverable and durable than other chariots. Egyptians utilized the chariot with infantry, using it in hit-and-run tactics to disrupt enemies, open holes in army formations, and fire arrows at enemy weak spots with accuracy.
Ramses II is often depicted riding on his famous war chariot. Chariot usually carried two men, the driver and the fighter. In an inscription of Amenhotep II related to Egyptian archery, pharaohs learned how to maneuver the chariots whilst shooting using a bow (they do this by tying the reins on their waist).War Lion
Ramses kept an adult male lion, Antam~nekt, whose Egyptian name has been variously translated as “slayer of his foes”, “he who repels the enemy” or even “invincible”. The lion was not only a palace pet, but also an aid during battle, and the pharaoh was said to have had the lion by his side during his famous battle at Kadesh against the Hitites. Some sources even state that the lion was among the few members of Ramses’ army who didn’t flee in panic when the Hitites ambushed the Egyptian camp. Ramses’ pet lion is depicted charging at the Hitites by his side, forever immortalized along with his master.
- Jaws and Claws
- Full grown male lion
- It's roar and intimidation alone is effective against people and other beast, making the lion very useful against cavalry.
Marcus Aurelius[]
Marcus Aurelius, in full Caesar Marcus Aurelius Antoninus Augustus, original name (until 161 ce) Marcus Annius Verus (born April 26, 121 ce, Rome—died March 17, 180, Vindobona [Vienna], or Sirmium, Pannonia) Roman emperor (ce 161–180), best known for his Meditations on Stoic philosophy. Marcus Aurelius has symbolized for many generations in the West the Golden Age of the Roman Empire. As carved in his own column in Rome, Marcus Aurelius is one of a few Roman commanders, who have successfully utilized dog legions in warfare.
During his reign, the Empire defeated a revitalized Parthian Empire in the East: Aurelius' general Avidius Cassius sacked the capital Ctesiphon in 164. In central Europe, Aurelius fought the Marcomanni, Quadi, and Sarmatians with success during the Marcomannic Wars, although the threat of the Germanic tribes began to represent a troubling reality for the Empire. A revolt in the East led by Avidius Cassius failed to gain momentum and was suppressed immediately. Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, written in Greek while on campaign between 170 and 180, are still revered as a literary monument to a philosophy of service and duty, describing how to find and preserve equanimity in the midst of conflict by following nature as a source of guidance and inspiration.
Weapons[]
Gladius
The Gladius, also known as the Gladius Hispaniensis (Latin: Spanish Sword) was the standard sword of the Roman Army for the 3rd century BC onwards. The was, as the name suggested, based on earlier Spanish swords the Romans encountered on their military campaigns in the region. Previously, early roman swords had looked similar to the Greek Xiphos. While different variants of the blade existed, such as the Mainz and Pompeii variants (named for places where they were found), the sword had a blade of 60-68 centimeters and a wooden grip with a cup-shaped guard and a roughly spherical pommel. The gladius could be used to for cutting and slashing attacks, however, its main purpose was as a stabbing weapon, used for thrusting while protected behind a large square shield.
- Double-edged straight blade
- 75-80 cm
- Iron
Pilum
The pilum was a javelin commonly used by the Roman army in ancient times. It was generally about 2 metres (6 ft 7 in) long overall, consisting of an iron shank about 7 millimetres (0.28 in) in diameter and 60 centimetres (24 in) long with pyramidal head. The shank was joined to the wooded shaft by either a socket or a flat tang. The iron shank was the key to the function of the pilum. The weapon had a hard pyramidal tip but the shank was made of softer iron. This softness would cause the shank to bend after impact, thus rendering the weapon useless to the enemy who might throw it back. However, there are many cases where the whole shank was hardened, making the pilum more suitable as a close quarters melee weapon
- Effective range is up to 15–20 m (50–70 ft).
- Legionaries often carried two or more pila, with some used for range and some for melee.
Oval Scutum
Before the advent of the iconic rectangular scutum Romans used in their famous military formations, Early Roman Empire used a more oval type of scutum. The scutum was a large shield made from three sheets of wood glued together and covered with canvas and leather, usually with a spindle shaped boss along the vertical length of the shield. Improved thicker planks and metal edges increased the protection of the shield from melee and missile weapons, while also being light enough to be carried by one hand, and also effective weapons for cavalrymen at that time.
Molossus Dogs
Roman Emperors, and the Roman people in general, are crazy about animals. If these guys aren't tormenting and killing wild beasts in their colloseums, you'll see them parading their wicked collections of exotic pets. Emperor Nero had a pet tigress named Phoebe which he fed his dinner guests, Caligula had his favorite horse Incitatus which he made a consul, Consul Licinius Muraena had a pool of murray eels, and the poet Virgil had a housefly as a pet (Yeah they were pretty crazy). Marcus Aurelius stands out among other Romans for his usage of specialized dog legions in his battles.
Romans have always used dogs in combat since it's earliest days. Many columns, paintings and sculpture depicted Romans using dogs in battle, though how they train or use them is till debated. Romans favored the heavily built, but now extinct, Molossus dogs for combat. They often coated them in protective spiked metal collars and mail armor, and arranging them into attack formations. In Marcus Aurelius' column in Rome, dogs were depicted attacking enemy ranks and armored soldiers in battle, and were also useful in scaring away war horses.
- Male mastiff-type dogs
- Some wore protective covering such as spiked metal collars and mail armor.
- For the purpose of this match, Marcus will have four war dogs in his disposal.
X-Factors[]
Experience
Both warriors were excellently trained at the young age, and have amazing military careers and achievements under their belt. Ramses II is famous for his miracle at the Battle of Kadesh, as well as campaigns against the Hittites, Syria, Nubia and Libya. Being one of the great emperors of Rome, Marcus Aurelius campaigns, such as Parthia, Germania as well as internal revolts and fighting, helped expand Roman territories further. However, in terms of quantity, Ramses seems to have fought in more battles and campaigns than the Roman Emperor.
Intelligence
It's no question that these two were great tactical geniuses in their prime, but one is just smarter and wiser of the two. Ramses II's military prowess, while brilliant, is still questionable at best. An example of this was during the Battle of Kadesh. While he did turn an almost defeat into a victory, it wouldn't have happened if he wasn't brash and reckless in the first place. In Kadesh, he got overexcited, and columns of his army fell victim to Hittite traps. Marcus Aurelius may not have the same caliber of military brilliance as Caesar or Augustus, nor did he had magnificent victories that went down in military history. He was still somwehat successful in most of his campaigns. Add to that he was also a cunning politician and philosopher to boot (his ideas are still being studied today).
Brutality
Simply put, Ramses II is an epitomy of that spoiled rich kid who's too young and too hungry to be in power. While he did became briliiant in his adulthood, he was still a brutal and bloodthirsty glory-seeking hound. He killed anyone in his sights and put to death even his own generals when they failed him. Marcus Aurelius on the other hand, was a wise and accomplished leader. While he was a brutal warrior, he was still compassionate to his people.
Notes[]
- You maybe wondering why I gave these warriors loadouts consisting of very light weapons. This is because the fight will not be a squad-vs-squad battle, but will be a 1 vs 1 mano-a-mano fight, albeit with animals fighting in their sides.
- Fight will take place in a game reserve (with a few small trees and adequate plains). Ramses will be on his chariot while Marcus will be on horse.
- Battle ends in May 24 or when I get enough votes. Votes must have proper grammar, weapons and x-factors edges. I decide whether a vote is acceptable or not.
Battle[]
Ramses II: 
Marcus Aurelius: 
It was early morning in a small oasis in Southern Anatolia. Relatively quiet and half-asleep, the tiny spring then sprang to life as the sun rises and brightens up the place. The whole oasis now became colorful and breathing with life, with birds singing their morning songs in the trees and the little critters below dancing with glee. It was a refuge untouched by the destruction and chaos of men; where animals can live a healthy and peaceful life.
However, the tranquility suddenly disappeared as man once again invaded paradise. Two horses, one lead by another, dashed in uninvited with four hunting dogs. Their noisy incursion scared away the little critters and birds and they fled away in terror from these outside intruders. One horse, the lead horse, carried a man while the other horse behind it carried hunting supplies and gears. The rider was the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who was there on a solo hunting trip with his dogs. With the Empire of Rome finally at peace, Marcus Aurelius found the time at long last, to do other activities besides bloodshed and war. Finally, he thought as he passed by the trees and the bushes, now he can focus on himself for once in his reign. Running an empire can take a lot out of someone, and defending it and its people can crush one’s soul. But Marcus was blessed today for it was time for him to finally enjoy; a time where he can breathe fresh air, let loose his stress and find peace away from conflict.
“Come on you mangy beasts!” Marcus Aurelius yelled at his war dogs behind him, who were equally as thrilled as their master. “Today we’ll have fresh meat courtesy of the Goddess Diana for breakfast!”
He then scours the whole oasis hungrily in search of prey, and luckily for him, they were all kinds of animals from deer and goats, fleeing as he moved through the oasis. So, the excited Emperor readies his pilum with the hopes of a bountiful hunt and gorgeous beasts worthy of display.
But little did he know that hidden in the foliage, one was watching him carefully like a hawk. As Marcus Aurelius penetrated deeper and deeper into the oasis, he was caught off guard as a two-horse chariot appeared behind him and gave chase. Shocked, the Emperor tried to shake it off as the two dashed through the oasis at top speed.
The rider of the chariot, was none other than the famous Egyptian pharaoh, Ramses II himself. Like Marcus, Ramses was also in the oasis to hunt game. However, he wasn’t keen to share it with the Roman. For Ramses, he believed that he owned the place, as well as the rest of the known world as his birthright as a god. The intrusion of Marcus Aurelius in his favorite hunting place made him furious. That bastard actually had the nerve to trespass on his own property, on his own territory. Like an apex predator who’d already marked his turf, Ramses prepares to show this intruder his godly wrath. And so, as he got closer to Marcus with his faster chariot, he ties the reins around his waist and readies his bow; determined to kill this interloper and hang his carcass in the entrance as warning.
As the two chased each other, Ramses steadily aimed his bow and yelled, “Whoever you are! And whatever your purpose maybe, know this! This place belongs to me, and you’re not welcome here!” Ramses then fires his arrow and hits Marcus’ horse in the liver, mortally wounding it, and throwing Marcus on the ground while his dogs yelped at him with worry.
Though down, Marcus quickly raised his scutum shield and blocked further arrows from the pharaoh. As the Egyptian war chariot charged closer towards him, Marcus whistles for his wardogs for protection. The loyal wardogs then quickly made a barrier around their master and barked furiously at the oncoming chariot. The sudden ferocity of their barks scared away the chariot’s horses, and to the surprise of Ramses, they turned their backs and retreat from Marcus and his dogs. This gave the Roman Emperor enough time to quickly run to his other horse, mount it and grab all of his weapons.
Enraged, Ramses cursed and whipped at his disobedient horses for turning away. He forcefully pulled their reigns and violently spin the animals around. Unfortunately for Ramses, Marcus was again back on his horse armed, and he charges at Ramses head on with his dogs.
“You think your filthy creatures scare a god like me?! I’ll show you how to control nature!” Ramses shouted while pointing his khopesh sword at Marcus. “Antam~nekt! I choose you!”
Then suddenly, as Marcus was charging at Ramses, a large male lion leaped from the bushes towards him. Marcus can only turn his head and yell in surprise, as the lion came rushing in with its claws and mouth wide open. One of his dogs managed to block the lion with its body before it reaches Marcus, but the unfortunate animal got stuffed straight to the lion’s mouth in the process. The large beast then easily ripped the poor dog in two with its powerful jaws, but in turn, Marcus managed to dash away and continue his assault.
The other three wardogs then attacked the lion in revenge. One of the wardogs bit the lion on the leg, one bit it in the back of the neck, while another bit it in the tail. Pissed, the lion roared so loud that it scared and paralyzed the dogs, and they all let go and back away in fear. The lion then quickly counters by swiping one of them in the lower jaw; ripping it away and killing it. Only two wardogs remained, and the death of another compatriot restored the dogs’ fury and they retaliate. The dogs then took turns biting the lion from every position. The lion tried its best to keep them at bay with its claws, but the two dogs ran circles around it and slowly took away strips of its flesh. Badly hurt, the enraged lion managed to pounce one of the dogs and pinned it under its paws. As the dog cried in terror as it tried to get out of the lion’s grasp, the other wardog quickly came to its rescue and bit the lion in the throat. And the three animals ended up wrestling and biting each other, with both beastkinds switching from top to bottom during the fight.
As the beasts fought each other, the men themselves had their own separate fight to finish. Ramses roared his chariot towards Marcus, yelling on top of his lungs as he fired his bow. Marcus blocked the arrow with his shield and, as he got closer, returned fire with his javelins. Each warrior then passed each other unharmed and without a scratch. The pilums Marcus threw missed Ramses, but it got embedded on his expensive chariot in return. Pissed, Ramses then turned his chariot around, raised his khopesh and charged once again at full gallop. Marcus however, stood his ground as Ramses came charging towards him. He then took aim with another pilum, and with a deep breath and focus, threw it with all his might. It missed Ramses again, but it violently struck one of the chariot’s horses in the throat, and the beast neighed in anguish as its blood painfully spurted and sprayed Ramses. Then the chariot crashed and threw Ramses on the ground violently.
The heavily bruised and injured poppy Egyptian prince cried in pain, as Marcus takes out his gladius and charges to finish him once and for all. But the screaming Ramses managed to crawl away and shout desperately to his lion for help. Seeing his master in danger, the lion quickly swiped one of the wardogs and knocked it towards the other, before running towards Ramses’ aide. The unsuspecting Marcus didn’t see the lion tackle him off his horse and pin him on the ground, before roaring mightily at his face and finally biting him on the shoulder. Screaming in pain as the lion mangled both muscle and bone, Marcus Aurelius tried desperately to punch the lion with his fists but to no avail, as the lion’s strength clamped on him like a vice with teeth.
As Marcus was being torn by the lion, Ramses laughs maniacally as he stands back up. He continues his laugh as he approaches the downed Marcus. “You see?...” he said as he delightfully watches the lion bite him. “This is what happen to everyone foolish enough to fight me. I am a god you peasant fool! And you stand no chance against me!”
Although with a lion powerfully crunching on him, Marcus still had the strength to jest at Ramses. “Really? You? A god? Ha!... To be honest this is the first time… I saw a god… cry… like a little girl,” Marcus bantered. “It’s not yet over… you inbred freak!”
And then suddenly without warning, Marcus’ wardogs attacked and seized Ramses to the ground. One wardog bit Ramses in the face while another started ripping away at his groin. The pharaoh screamed in pain as the dogs dismember him, and he tried to get out of their grip but to no avail.
Marcus on the other hand, finally grabs his gladius and stabs the lion in the heart multiple times in fury, and the lion roared in pain for the last time before it died. Tired and covered with both his and the lion’s blood, Marcus took a minute to rest before finally wrenching the lion’s jaws off of him. He then stood up and covered his wounds with his cloak. Panting but relieved, Marcus then approached the still living Ramses, who was busy getting maimed painfully by the dogs in his head and crotch.
Marcus looks at Ramses’ eyes which were pleading for mercy. But Marcus only smirked at him irritatingly. “You poor little sad man who calls himself a god,” Marcus smugged. “You shouldn’t have done that. A real god or even just a smart man would think twice before messing with Rome! I’m sorry it had to come to this but once you see Hades, tell him and all of the others I sent there before you, Marcus Aurelius – politely says- hi.”
With those final insults, Marcus Aurelius then turns his back, and leaves Ramses to his fate as the dogs rip him to bloody shreds. The Roman Emperor then whistles for his horse and takes all of his undertakers and other equipment, which would help him carry his quarry back to his base. While the duel was finally over, there was a sly bit of excitement in the Emperor’s face…
“I may not have bagged a simple venison or boar today…” Marcus thought with a grin. “But I did killed a lion… and a God. The consuls and the aristocrats won’t believe their eyes when they see this.”
Expert’s Opinion[]
The voters agreed that while Ramses’ chariot and bow proved to be a great threat, Marcus’ better offensive and special weapons proved superior. While Ramses’ lion was a deadly beast, its wild nature and the dogs’ superior pack numbers can beat it. But what really gives Marcus Aurelius the victory is his tactics and experience. One pissed but very profound expert made a point that while Ramses was a famous and brutal warrior, he was a huge phony who exaggerated his victories. Ramses chariot and bow were outmatched by the technology of Marcus’ time, and in the end this proved that Marcus Aurelius is the deadliest warrior.
To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.